Air Traffic Control

“Flight 243,” says the control tower “Turn right 45 degrees left for noise reduction.”

“Roger,” replies the captain “But we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make?”

“Sir,” starts the control tower, “Have you ever heard how much noise there is when a 727 hits a 747?”

30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

  1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Awww, it’s cute.
  3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
  4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  5. Make it dance.
  6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
  7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
  9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  10. Oh no… a flash headache.
  11. (giggle and point)
  12. Can I be honest with you?
  13. How sweet, you brought incense.
  14. This explains your car.
  15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
  16. Why is God punishing me?
  17. At least this won’t take long.
  18. I never saw one like that before.
  19. But it still works, right?
  20. It looks so unused.
  21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
  23. Are you cold?
  24. If you get me really drunk first….
  25. Is that an optical illusion?
  26. What is that?
  27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
  28. Does it come with an air pump?
  29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
  30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Quick Driver Identification

Here’s a quick and easy guide if you want to know where someone is from just by their driving habits:

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
  • One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS
  • Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above dashboard, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Bumper Stickers You Don’t See Every Day

Here’s a small collection of bumper stickers that you just don’t see every day:

Work Harder - Millions on Welfare Depend on You

Work Harder - Millions on Welfare Depend on You

Driver Carries No Cash - He's Married

Driver Carries No Cash - He's Married

Take Revenge: Shit on a Pigeon

Take Revenge: Shit on a Pigeon

Can't Feed 'Em? Don't Breed 'Em

Can't Feed 'Em? Don't Breed 'Em

I'm Busy. You're Ugly. Have a Nice Day.

I'm Busy. You're Ugly. Have a Nice Day.

4 out of 3 People Have Trouble With Fractions

4 out of 3 People Have Trouble With Fractions

The Shortest Sentence is "I Am." The Longest is "I Do."

The Shortest Sentence is 'I Am.' The Longest is 'I Do.'

I Am Not An Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go To Meetings.

I Am Not An Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go To Meetings.

Jesus is Coming....Look Busy.

Jesus is Coming....Look Busy.

Gun Control Means Using Both Hands.

Gun Control Means Using Both Hands.

I Brake For...Oh Shit, No Brakes!

I Brake For...Oh Shit, No Brakes!

Drugs Lead Nowhere ... But it's The Scenic Route

Drugs Lead Nowhere ... But it's The Scenic Route

Guns Don't Kill People. Drivers with Cellphones Do.

Guns Don't Kill People. Drivers with Cellphones Do.

Keep Honking ... I'm Reloading.

Keep Honking ... I'm Reloading.

Where The Hell is Easy Street?

Where The Hell is Easy Street?

40 Things You Don’t Say at Work Unless You’re Retiring Soon

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I’m really easy to get along with – once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  7. I’m out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.
  8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
  10. Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
  14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?
  20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be?
  24. Do I look like a people person?
  25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic, and disorder… my work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
  39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  40. Oh I get it… like humor… but different

George Carlin on Ageing

George Carlin’s Views on Aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . You become 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He turned; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You become 21, you turn 30, then you’re pushing 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!! You make it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you become 21, turn 30, push 40, reach 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you hit 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you hit Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch; you turn 4:30; you reach bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was just 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it! over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Guilty Verdict

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

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