Visit with Mom

A man went to a nursing home to visit his mother. When he arrived, she was taking a nap, so he sat down in a chair in her room, flipped through a few magazines, and munched on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, his mother wakes up, and the son realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. “I’m so sorry, mother, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dear,” the mother replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

Muslims in France

This video is a spoof news report on the habits of Muslims living in France. The narration is in French, but the meaning is quite clear…not to mention funny.

Fly

Ever wonder what happens when you accidentally swallow a fly?

How to Cook Brussel Sprouts

First you select your brussel sprouts, rinse them and set them aside.

Then, in a fry pan you melt butter, add lots of chopped garlic and a little basil. Let simmer.

Then add about a pound of fresh tail off shrimp. Continue to simmer for about 10 minutes or until the shrimp are cooked.

Enjoy.

Oh I almost forgot, you can give the brussel sprouts to your dog but he probably won’t eat them either, which is actually a good thing because if he ate them he’d get gas.

The Stupid Things People Do

We all run across the ‘Not So Bright’ in our daily lives. But have you ever noticed how any of them work in retail? Below are some of their stories.

I was at the checkout of a discount reatiler. The clerk rang up the $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in my favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

I walked into a coffee house with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,” she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked Up at the sky and said, “Where”?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”

While at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cashier asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

Yes, these people walk among us … and they reproduce. Worst of all, THEY VOTE.

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”
  5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds.”
  7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  8. Dontuseanypunctuationorspaces
  9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”
  12. Sing along at the opera.
  13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
  14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
  15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
  17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!”
  18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
  19. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  20. Insist that your e mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com.
  21. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  22. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  23. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  24. Adjust the contrast on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.
  25. Ask people what sex they are.
  26. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
  27. Send an email to the rest of the company to tell them where you’re going. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
  28. Hum when you ride an elevator.

Through a Child’s Eyes

This is why we love kids: they see the world differently. And in may cases, it’s funny.

A Kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did what??” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” the boy tried to explain, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ in its ear and it didn’t move.”

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until Saint Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said, “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

A woman was six months pregnant with my third child. One as she was preparing to get into the shower, her three year old came into the room. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling!’” The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy shit! A talking chicken!’”

You might also likeclose