Different words mean different things to men and women. Here’s a helpful guide to translate between the two.

The Man’s Guide to Female English

• “We need” means: I want
• “It’s your decision” means: The correct decision should be obvious by now
• “Do what you want” means: You’ll pay for this later
• “We need to talk” means: I need to complain
• “Sure… go ahead” means: I don’t want you to
• “I’m not upset” means: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
• “You’re … so manly” means: You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• “You’re certainly attentive tonight” means: Is sex all you ever think about?
• “I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!” means: I’ve got my period
• “Be romantic, turn out the lights” means: I have flabby thighs
• “This kitchen is so inconvenient” means: I want a new house
• “I want new curtains” means: and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
• “I need wedding shoes” means: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• “Hang the picture there” means: NO, I mean hang it there!
• “I heard a noise” means: I noticed you were almost asleep
• “Do you love me?” means: I’m going to ask for something expensive
• “How much do you love me?” means: I did something today you’re really not going to like
• “I’ll be ready in a minute” means: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• “Is my butt fat?” means: Tell me I’m beautiful
• “You have to learn to communicate” means: Just agree with me
• “Are you listening to me!?” means: Too late, you’re dead.
• “Yes” means: No
• “No” means: No
• “Maybe” means: No
• “I’m sorry” means: You’ll be sorry
• “Do you like this recipe?” means: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
• “Was that the baby?” means: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• “I’m not yelling!” means: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• “All we’re going to buy is a soap dish” means: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Women’s Guide to Male English

• “I’m hungry” means: I’m hungry
• “I’m sleepy” means: I’m sleepy
• “I’m tired” means: I’m tired
• “Do you want to go to a movie?” means: I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• “Can I take you out to dinner?” means: I’m hungry and I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• “Can I call you sometime?” means: I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• “May I have this dance?” means: I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• “Nice dress!” means: Nice cleavage!
• “You look tense, let me give you a massage.” means: I’d like to have sex with you
• “What’s wrong?” means: I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this
• “What’s wrong?” means: What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going
  through now?
• “What’s wrong?” means: I guess sex tonight is out of the question
• “I’m bored” means: Do you want to have sex?
• “I love you” means: Let’s have sex now
• “I love you, too” means: Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
• “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” means: I liked it better before
• “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” means: $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
• “Let’s talk” means: I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
• “Will you marry me?” means: I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
• “I like that one better” (while shopping) means: Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home and have sex!

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Tags: joke, men and women

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