For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey”, she said, you received a very strange post card today.

“Oh, Don’t Worry,” he said. “Just give it to me and I’ll explain it later.”

His wife complied and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.”

To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

On a cross country trip a plane runs into a terrible storm. The passengers are terrified as the plane gets pounded by wind, rain, hail and lightning. They are certain the plane is going to crash and that they’ll perish with it.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?”

Eagerly, she nods her head and exclaims, “Yes!”

The man hands her his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Harry, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Harry walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Harry and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Harry replied, “Sure, Doc. Just doing what you said: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful’”

Here are the nine most popular phrases women use and what they really mean.

1. Fine – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes – If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing – This is the calm before the storm. “Nothing” means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing surely end in “Fine” (see #1).
4. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!
5. Loud Sigh – This isn’t actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about “Nothing” (see #3).
6. That’s Ok – This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. It means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks – A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8. Whatever – Is a women’s way of saying F * * K YOU!
9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It – Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3. Then RUN!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and build a house with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So… here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause…

…”Tag! You’re it.”

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The man at the checkout looks at her and says “I bet you’re single aren’t you?”

The woman replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”

He replies, “Because you’re sinfully ugly.”