Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Put his remote in the microwave for an hour or so, then rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”

Four doctors were at a medical convention and discussing the state of medical science after hours at a local bar.

An Israeli doctor commented, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor boasted, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, proclaimed: “You guys are way behind! We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.”

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me and I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, sat and patiently waited. So I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard. Once again, he walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar. It read: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap. He had a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with six children, two of them under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Dear (insert name here),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’ wife, taken illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

A funny advertisement for “Toot Tone”.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on the TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security Benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

And then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“Goodness!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started.