Asking for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

  • I do physical labor.
  • I work at great depths.
  • I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
  • I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
  • I work in a damp environment.
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
  • I work in high temperatures.
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

  • You do not work 8 hours straight.
  • You fall asleep after brief work periods.
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
  • You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
  • You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
  • You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
  • You will retire well before you are 65.
  • You are unable to work double shifts.
  • You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

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