Dating Geeks
Posted by: JesterGeek or Chic?
First published in “The Cherwell,” 6th week Hilary Term 2004
There is a strange phenomenon sweeping Oxford. Intelligent, attractive, emotionally stable and socially capable women are starting to date geeks.
It seems that by some twist of fate geeks have finally become chic. Perhaps one of your girlfriends has recently fallen victim to this new craze and you find yourself asking of her new geeky boyfriend, “what does she see in him?”
What she sees is in fact this season’s must-have fashion accessory.
My research into this area has led me to the conclusion (take note all you single and searching women) that Oxford’s geeks are a vast, untapped source of highly eligible, single men. Forget oxfordromance if you want a boyfriend, you’re better off attending a Comp Soc meeting.
You may be thinking what do these socially awkward, checky-shirt clad specimens have to offer me? Ok, so your average geek may not be exactly Brad Pitt but, from my own experiences, geeks are perfect boyfriend material. They are honest, devoted, and faithful. They can fix your computer when it breaks, other women are unlikely to steal them, and your parents will love them. Most importantly one day their geeky skills will earn them a mint!
If you are happily attached you may be blissfully unaware of the secret geek life your boyfriend is leading. If you suspect him, your boyfriend may be a geek if:
- He owns two or more computers and spends an abnormally large amount of time using them.
- He is your college computer rep.
- He talks to his mother more than you talk to yours or worse, takes his washing home on a regular basis.
- He has a cupboard full of beer festival pint glasses.
- He says you can use his computer to check your e-mails, but when you try, you find you have no idea how to operate it.
- He appears to survive only on coca cola and microwave meals.
- He has rather questionable fashion sense. Closer inspection of his wardrobe may reveal a large collection of geeky t-shirts (with slogans involving Linux penguins, computer companies, fair use or RTFM).
- His IQ is more than his weight.
- He knows what GO is, and even owns a board.
- He owns a Matrix poster.
- He regularly watches two or more of the following: Buffy, Angel, Smallville, Roswell High or Star Trek (any version).
- His idea of a role play game is World of Warcraft.
Ok so you’ve realized the terrible truth, your boyfriend is a geek. Fear not, help is at hand!
Snagging Your Geek
Now, all you fashion conscious girls who don’t already have a geek boyfriend, will be glad to hear that you are in the ideal city to find one; Oxford, with its atmosphere nurturing the highly intelligent is absolutely rife with geeky men, you just need to appropriate one from somewhere.
The easiest way to do this is to find a girlfriend with a geeky boyfriend and ask her to introduce you to suitable geek friend of his. This is best done at a geek party because if you don’t like him you can take your pick of the rest!
Ok, so you don’t know anyone with a geek boyfriend – no problem you just need to find a gaggle of geeks somewhere. But where do they hang out? A prime geek hot spot is a student party thrown by male scientists – they’ll ask along the other male scientists in their year, some of whom are bound to be geeks.
Once you have identified a suitable target group of geeks by their t-shirts (or if it’s a black tie do from the haircuts) you need to be introduced. Geeks hang in packs for safety from approaching women, so it is important to steer your chosen geek into a secluded corner if you want to make any progress.
Now you have him alone, the difficult bit starts. Don’t even think of trying to snag a geek if you are not a modern, self-confident girl who doesn’t mind making the first move. If you don’t like the sound of being forward, forget it; you are likely to die of old age waiting for a geek to come on to you. Banish all your preconceptions about subtle flirting and subliminal messages. Geeks, despite being highly intelligent, are totally clueless. Remember back to your awkward teenage doorstep days, this will be ten times worse!
Some hints for snagging your geek:
- Try not to look too attractive – you will only scare him.
- He will be shocked that you are interested and if you appear to be trying to pull him he is likely to respond by running away and pretending the whole thing didn’t happen. You must persevere!
- He will be oblivious to even the most blatant of signals (those that are painfully obvious to every non-geek man and woman in the room!) Geeks will recognize this behavior, (they’ve seen it in movies) but their tiny brains simply cannot compute that it is being directed towards them.
- Geeks can be very opinionated, smile and nod whilst they rant about politics, file sharing, how bad Windows is etc., unless you have strong opinions yourself, in which case go girl! The joy of the geek is that they actually do like intelligent women and should be happy to debate with you.
- If all else fails tell one of his friends that you are interested and ask them to pass the message on – pronto.
Warning!
Once you have snagged him, you can forget about him keeping you two a secret. Geeks communicate with other geeks via live journals or blogs. This means all goings on in his life, including you, his new girlfriend are on display for the whole world (including your parents) to see!
Geeks also communicate with each other by IRC (Internet Relay Chat). They will choose this method of talking to each other, even when they are in adjoining rooms! More importantly the morning after you snag your geek, he will have told his mates all the details before you’ve even left the house!
Training Your Geek
Now you have snagged a suitable geek, you need to prepare him for the outside world. Remember he probably spent most of his adolescence sitting in his room, occasionally grunting, when he was asked a question by his parents. Try not to overwhelm him.
The reason geeks don’t care about clothes, being popular, or having or social skills, is that they have other things to worry about – namely their computers. Due to this of this severe lack of sensible priorities, geeks require a bit more house training than most men. The good news is that due to their high IQs, geeks can be trained very easily.
House Training
Next time you are in his room take a look around, a typical geek lair can be described using one word – mess. A geek’s natural habitat will contain much that is computer related i.e. boxes of cables, random bits of computers, Sci-Fi books, Linux penguins and software boxes. It will also be decorated with unwashed plates and cups, dirty clothes and beer bottles.
The best way train your geek, is to adopt methods similar to those used in dog obedience classes, and reward him for good behavior. When he performs a simple household task, such as washing a glass or recycling a beer can, heap praise on him. Stop short of actually giving him dog biscuits though. He will soon learn that he only needs to repeat these actions in order to get the same reaction, results guaranteed!
Geek Cuisine
Geeks will often migrate towards microwave meals and junk food rather than cooking properly. This is not because they can’t cook but because they can’t be bothered to. Geeks spend hours poring over ridiculously complicated computer code, writing programs – of course they can follow a recipe!
Suggest that he cooks you dinner one night, rather than take you out, in the interests of saving money (this will appeal to him as it means he will be able to spend more money on geeky stuff). You will probably find that you don’t even have to pretend to like his attempts. My experiences of geek cuisine, (cooked by some of the worst cases, I might add) have been very favorable.
If your geek claims not to be able to understand the instructions in the recipe book point him towards this recipe it’s for chocolate chip cookies and it’s written in java so no excuses.
Geek Communication
You may find it difficult to communicate with your geek, largely due to the fact that he has no social skills. Harness his fascination with women’s magazines to help you. If there is a particular subject, that you feel he couldn’t handle the direct approach over, find a copy of Cosmo that deals with it and leave it open at that page. He is guaranteed to read it, (although he might not admit it) along with the rest of the magazine.
Clothing Your Geek
You want to show your geek off to the world, but let’s face it, his fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired. When you walk into his room, is the first item of clothing you pick up a Linux t-shirt? This issue is one that must be approached with tact.
Some geek fashion crimes and how to deal with them include:
- Trousers that rise three inches above his ankles when he stands up – these trousers are the ones his mother bought him when he was sixteen. Explain that’s it’s not socially acceptable to still be wearing kids clothes at his age.
- Tank tops – gently suggest that he may wish to find some sleeves.
- It’s been more than six weeks since he last had a haircut. Take him to his preferred barbers along with a picture of a gorgeous model from an appropriate men’s magazine to show the stylist. Sadly they won’t be able to turn your geek into said gorgeous model but a haircut will be a definite improvement.
- Only ever wearing geeky t-shirts – ok I have to be honest, I haven’t found the answer to this one yet. Even if you give them all away to charity he’ll still come home with more! One solution may be to go to female geek and invest in one yourself. Follow his lead and wear it with pride next time you are out with him in the street, he may have a sudden change in attitude.
- Lack of competent shaving ability. Point out that having stubble makes him look like a criminal.
In general, geeks need to learn by example, point out well dressed men amongst your mutual friends and suggest that he would look good in something similar. Enlist the help of his mother or sister. Geeks, like a lot of men, hate shopping so dragging him around shops may not be the answer.
Note: Not all geeks are guilty of these fashion crimes; I know some geeks who are very well dressed! Also, just having bad dress sense, does not automatically make him a geek.
Conclusion
You will never be able to remove the geekiness from him completely, the best you can do is conceal it a bit better than he does. After a few months of training, you should see a significant improvement in his geek levels. It’s important that he doesn’t realize what is going on however, he may start to rebel.
Geek dating is catching on – a friend in the North East recently described her flamate’s geek as a “Hidden Diamond”. Quick! Lock up your geeks!
Tags: geek, joke, relationships
