Everyone is probably aware that hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

A student nurse was asked to take a discharged patient out of their room. The nurse went to the room and found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

A monk who has lived in seclusion most of his life has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.

On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who said to him, “Blowjob? Five dollars?”

“No, thank you!” the monk says, blushing.

He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, “Blowjob? Five dollars?”

He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there’s a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he’s very upset.

He asks his friend the nun, “Sister, what is a ‘blowjob’?”

She says, “Five dollars.”

You’ve heard the old saying “you can prove or disprove anything with statistics?” Well, here’s an example of how that works:

A survey was conducted asking about the sexual experiences of the participants. Here are the results:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

So, do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more luxury cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s Jim’s mistress,” says her husband.

“Oh really? Well I think ours is prettier,” she replies.

Golfer vs. Skydiver

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes “WHACK, dammit!”

A bad skydiver goes “Dammit, WHACK!”

An ESL teacher requested students to use some words in a sentence.

1. Cheese

Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom

When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum

I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair

We only have one enchilada left, but don’ worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, “honey harassment nothing to me.”

12. Bishop

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I am so ashamed, Doctor,” she said. “I guess I let myself go.”

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”

“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course… Now just open your mouth and say ‘moo’.”