Funny Answering Machine Messages
Posted by: JesterEver get stuck wondering what to say for you outgoing message? Here are some helpful suggestions:
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’t have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 01234563. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her radio, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Thank you for calling 0123456. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
