Retired Gentleman

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Discharge Papers

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”

New Signal Man

Tom is applying for a job as a signal man for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz. So he asks Tom “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom thought, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”

This puzzled the inspector, greatly and he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Would You Still Love Me

A man is sitting on his front porch staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.

The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the other man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the dog house.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.’”

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.’”

Redneck Letter

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

Norwegian Wrestler

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler, who just happened to be named Ole, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has”. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’”

Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face…I had nuttin’ to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.”

So the trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off!”

“Vel not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!”

Man Rules

In case you wondered, and are male – these are the rules we abide by.

If you are a girl reading this, then you can just refresh your memory.

Please note: these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

  1. Men are NOT mind readers.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  3. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  4. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  5. Crying is blackmail.
  6. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!
  7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
  10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
  11. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  12. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us unless you want to hear an answer.
  13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the “other one.”
  14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  16. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  17. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  19. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
  20. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  22. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
  23. You have enough clothes.
  24. You have too many shoes.
  25. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t

mind that? It’s like camping.

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