A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man, very impressed with the dog’s talents.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

“That’s marvelous, I’ve never seen anything like it!” says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What the heck is going on?”

The handler replies, “He’s just found a bomb!”

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

To assist with these questions, we provide here, a formula:

Assign each of the letters of the alphabet the values 1 through 26. So, A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on.

Now, let’s look at those words:

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K, or
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E, or
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E, or
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T, or
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And,

A+S+S+K+I+S+S+I+N+G, or
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the surgery, I want you to take care of it and me patients.”

“Yes sir,” answers Seamus.

The doctor returns the following day and asks, “So Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus tells him he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo Seamus, and the second one?” said the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning so I gve him Maalox.”

“Bravo, again, you’re good at this, and the third one?”

“Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink, she undresses herself until she hasn’t a stitch on and lies on the table, she then shouts ‘Help me, it’s five years since I’ve seen a man.’”

“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asked the doctor.

“I gave her some eye drops.”

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the wine to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“I am a woman of very high standards. For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. After composing his reply, he folded it up and handed it to the waiter for delivery to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrera in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.”

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that… get off the bike.”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day. The guard meets up with him in a Cantina on the Mexican side of the border.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane.

The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about Nuclear power?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a Deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”