Funny Town Names

Here are a series of humorous town names. And yes, these are real signs from real towns.

Penistone

Penistone, Sheffield, United Kingdom

Middlefart

Middelfart, Denmark

Dildo

Dildo, Newfoundland, Canada

Fucking

Fucking, Tarsdorf, Osterrich

Crotch Crescent

Crotch Crescent, Oxford, United Kingdom

Crapstone

Crapstone, Yelverton, United Kingdom

Intercourse

Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Boring

Boring, Oregon

Accident

Accident, Maryland

Wetwang

Wetwang, Driffield, United Kingdom

Hell

Hellertown, Pennsylvania

Hooker

Hooker, Oklahoma

Embarrass

Embarrass, Wisconsin

Bird-In-Hand

Bird-In-Hand, Pennsylvania

Titty-Ho

Titty-Ho, Northamptonshire, United Kingdom

If you have any more, feel free to contribute!

Ping Pong

A priest and a nun are playing ping pong.

The priest is a bit out of practice, and soon missed the ball. In frustration, he says “Shit!”

The nun admonishes the priest, because God doesn’t like that sort of language.

After a while, the priest missed another shot and he again exclaimed “Shit!”

The nun, getting somewhat irritated, again admonishes the priest for his language.

The priest composes himself and play resumes. But he soon misses the ball once again and shouts “Shit!”

Then there is a huge storm, bringing thunder, lightning and rain. Eventually, the nun is hit by the lightning.

The shaken priest hears a voice from above that says, “Shit!”

Mullet

It's always nice to know you're better than someone.

It's always nice to know you're better than someone.

Communicating in the Dark

Two deaf people got married.

During the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out. There was just no way for them to see each other signing, or see each others’ lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife came up with a solution.

She writes, “Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

20 Lies That Women Tell Their Boyfriends

Does your girlfriend ever lie to you? She probably does and you don’t even know it.

Here are some common things that women tell their boyfriends — and what they really mean.

  1. You are the only man for me.
    Translation: If you are unfaithful, I’ll dump you in a minute.
  2. You look so masculine in your shorts.
    Translation: Where did you buy those awful looking shorts?
  3. You look so sexy with your cute little beard.
    Translation: You better shave that monstrosity in the morning.
  4. I love your new car.
    Translation: Where did you get that pile of junk? Did you buy it at the Lemon factory?
  5. Let’s make love tonight.
    Translation: Like that’s really going to happen.
  6. I love the way you kiss.
    Translation: My dog kisses better than you.
  7. You sure know how to dance.
    Translation: Step on my feet one more time and I’ll clobber you with my purse.
  8. Do you have a little cold?
    Translation: Stay away from me. God you are so contagious.
  9. I’m really going to miss you. Hurry back.
    Translation: Take a one way ticket to the North Pole.
  10. Don’t worry about the spill on my dress. It’s really nothing at all.
    Translation: You moron. This dress cost me a fortune. Wait until I accidentally spill coffee on your suit.
  11. I just love your smile.
    Translation: You are in serious need of dental work.
  12. You have such a wonderful smell.
    Translation: Did you just release some gas?
  13. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have such a great guy.
    Translation: I hope that nobody notices that I’m going out with you.
  14. You give me goosebumps.
    Translation: Are you related to Dracula?
  15. That was a delicious meal.
    Translation: I hope that I don’t get food poisoning.
  16. We have so much in common.
    Translation: We both really can’t stand each other.
  17. That was a hilarious movie.
    Translation: I had a nice nap. Now what was that movie about?
  18. These are the most beautiful flowers in the world.
    Translation: Did you buy them at a thrift shop? The roses are beginning to wilt.
  19. I just love this box of chocolates.
    Translation: How many times have I told you that I’m on a diet? You can take this box of chocolates and go stuff yourself.
  20. I love you. I love you. I love you.
    Translation: Where did I go wrong? Why did I have to get involved with Mr. Loser? Are you ever going to find a job?

20 Ways to Say “Your Fly is Open”

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.
  2. Fire the cannons.
  3. Would you like fries with that?
  4. The hotdog rolled out of the bun.
  5. Can we get channel 18384005432?
  6. The motherload just left the cargo bay.
  7. Beam it back in Scotty.
  8. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
  9. Is it housebroken?
  10. The pea pea has left the pod pod.
  11. Elvis has LEFT the building!
  12. Mini Me locked himself out.
  13. Put your joystick back by the console.
  14. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  15. Should we plug you in?
  16. Is it a Democrat or a Republican?
  17. Put the pickle back in the jar.
  18. It’s dead Jim!
  19. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped:

  1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Best Toast of the Night

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” She asked.

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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