Christopher Columbus Discovering America

Could Columbus have discovered America if he were married?

NO

Because:

  1. “Where are you going?
  2. “With Whom?”
  3. “To discover what?”
  4. “Why only you?”
  5. “What do I do, when you are not here?”
  6. “Can I come?”
  7. “When will you be back?”
  8. “Will you be coming home for dinner?”
  9. “What will you bring home for me?”

Columbus drops his plan…

Dumbing Down Our Kids

Bill Gates is given credit for this but it actually came from a book called, “Dumbing Down Our Kids” by Charles Sykes.

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

  • Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
  • Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
  • Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a fancy car until you earn both.
  • Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss.
  • Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it “opportunity.”
  • Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
  • Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
  • Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
  • Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you “find yourself.” Do that on your own time.
  • Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
  • Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

10 Things Not To Say To Girlfriend’s Parents

10 Things Not to Say to your New Girlfriend’s Parents

  1. Can I pull my car into your garage? I’m not sure how long at copy will stay lost.
  2. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative. I bet Sara’s will be okay too.
  3. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
  4. Sara is so pretty. I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
  5. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
  6. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
  7. Can you believe it? Those idiots at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check.
  8. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
  9. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
  10. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

Golf Resort

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart.

As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, “You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”

Flattered, she gave him a big smile. “Thank you.”

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart.

“Watch this,” I whispered. I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you must work out a lot.”

“Yeah,” she replied dryly. “You should try it.”

It’s in the Bible

An out-of-town visitor becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop. After some innocent conversation he invites her up to his room.

Thelma is indignant and refuses.

The guy says, “Don’t get upset, this is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is somewhat appeased, but still refused the invitation. Instead, she agrees to see him for a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says, not believing him. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”

Obituary

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly.

“You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.” she exclaimed.

The widow replied, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

Cheating

Cheating

Cheating

Oddly enough, most men in this situation wouldn’t know whether to be pissed off or incredibly turned on.

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