There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.

One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. “Are you a real Quaker?” he asked as he was ringing up the merchandise.

“Yes,” the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

“No joke?” asked the clerk, “You’re really a real Quaker?”

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, “Yes, I am a real Quaker.”

“Wow!” the young clerk said, “I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?” asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. “Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?”

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, “Fuck Thee.”

Almost every one of these is going to be offensive to someone. But that’s what makes them funny!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver’s Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” and a southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks.

A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place for a little late night fun.

When they get to her home, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl, watching this, says “You must be a dentist.”

The guy is surprised and says, “Yes … How did you figure that out?”

“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it’s over the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with an inflated ego says, “Sure I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

The girl replies, “I didn’t feel a thing.”

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the wine to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“I am a woman of very high standards. For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. After composing his reply, he folded it up and handed it to the waiter for delivery to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrera in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.”

“Great!” says the patient. “But do you know how to cure it?”

“Yes,” explained the doctor. “This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached her climax, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the patient return for his checkup.

“Well, how do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors.

After an hour, the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she comes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”

“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.

“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.

The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”