A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the wine to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“I am a woman of very high standards. For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. After composing his reply, he folded it up and handed it to the waiter for delivery to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrera in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.”

“Great!” says the patient. “But do you know how to cure it?”

“Yes,” explained the doctor. “This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached her climax, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the patient return for his checkup.

“Well, how do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors.

After an hour, the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she comes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”

“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.

“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.

The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing.

Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, we tried and tried and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad “, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

Sir Galahad was speechless.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.”

“I don’t know how long I was asleep,” he continued, “when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!”

The old man paused dramatically then said, “I tell you, I just shit my pants.”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”

The old man shook his head and said, “No, no… not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!”

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to toss back his drink, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at
the bar.

“Oh my God!” the tourist cried, “What the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some another one is wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!”