There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing.

Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, we tried and tried and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad “, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

Sir Galahad was speechless.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.”

“I don’t know how long I was asleep,” he continued, “when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!”

The old man paused dramatically then said, “I tell you, I just shit my pants.”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”

The old man shook his head and said, “No, no… not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!”

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to toss back his drink, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at
the bar.

“Oh my God!” the tourist cried, “What the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some another one is wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!”

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

An old man in a retirement home takes a fancy to a woman who had recently begun living there.

One day he gets up the courage to go and talk to her. They soon become friends and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees and says that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The following week, while the others were out of the home, the old man calls on his new lover. Before getting started, he asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her. He agrees and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds, he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can’t get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn’t cause that smell.

She says “No, it’s the arthritis in my shoulder. It’s been six years since I’ve been able to wipe my ass.”

A jumbo jet is at the end of its flight and preparing to land. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson. We’re on our final approach to our destination. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and we appreciate you flying with us today.”

The pilot forgets to switch off the microphone. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, “Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?

“Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for dinner. You know, the one with the huge boobs. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her all night.”

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear. He’s gotta take a shit first!”