This is why we need spell check in our real lives:

This video is a spoof news report on the habits of Muslims living in France. The narration is in French, but the meaning is quite clear…not to mention funny.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed the results in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures — 25 cents.” “Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening — with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus, ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus, gentlemen. So my speech started – Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying – Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well,” he explained “by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest, then my groin and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying – Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure….

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
A. Depends…

Q. What’s “68″?
A. You do me and I owe you one.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged!

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q. What’s the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.

Q. What two words will clear out a men’s restroom?
A. “Nice Dick!”

Q. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A. Toys for Twats.

Q. Define Transvestite:
A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q. What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A. Two Mennonite!

Q. What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator!

Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.

Q. If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A. A hole in it.

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “Rent for Apartment.”

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

“Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; 3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

“Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlord.”

For this year’s National Condom Week, there will be contest to come up with the best new slogan to promote condoms and their regular use. If you’d like to contribute, feel free to post a comment.

To start things off, a list of possible slogans promoting national condom week:

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go in heat, package your meat.
13. While you’re undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, zip up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection will protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. No glove, no love!
22. If you’re gonna have it off, have it on.
23. Wrap your wanger before you bang her.