A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip.

He didn’t do well and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

The wife, accustomed to a luxurious lifestyle was concerned and asked “What kind of changes are we talking about?”

“Well,” he started out thoughtfully. “If you’ll just learn to cook, we can fire the chef.”

The wife was not happy hearing this and said “Okay, and if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna at their local spa.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager.” the woman explained. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech. But not to be outdone she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her read end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said, “Well, well, will you look at that. I’m getting a fax.”

How to Misuse Figures of Speech

• Company manager mulling over his next strategic move: “Argh! This is a no-win-win situation!”
• Man to his new wife: “Don’t worry honey, we’ll just burn the bridge when we get there.”
• Lawyer to the jury: “Ladies and gentlemen, this contract is annulled and void.”
• The same lawyer, on a different case: “Your honor, this exercise is mute and academic…”
• Man to his friend, “Don’t worry too much about it, if worse comes to shove, just leave it!”
• Girl to boyfriend: “Oh? Are you joking my leg?”
• Exclamation: “Oh my God! It’s a blessing in the sky.”
• Randy: “Dawg, you’re barking at the wrong dog.”
• Simon: “You want to have your cake and bake it too… well it ain’t happenin’.”
• “Now and there…”
• “I’m only human nature…sob!”
• “The sky’s the langit.” (For non Filipinos, “langit” means… well… “sky”.)
• When the boss asked how a project is progressing, an employee answers: “Sir, so far, so good…so far.” The boss responded, “Well, hurry up! Time is of the elements.”
• Describing a shooting star: “Then it was gone in the wink of an eye!”
• “The feeling is actual.”
• “For all intense and purposes.”
• Explaining: “It’s a base-to-base casis…”
• “Can’t you just cut me some slacks?!”

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage counseling seminar for husbands.

During the session, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m agonna go get her.”

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”

His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.

“Did she like it?” his friend asked.

“Oh yes!” Adam said morosely. “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!’”

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After a few confessions, the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this, and realizes it looks thoughtful…

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’ and ‘how did you feel about that?’”

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit? What happened next?!’”

You know it’s going to be a bad day when:

• You wake up face down on the pavement.
• You call the Suicide Prevention Hot-line and they put you on hold.
• You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night’s party – and there aren’t any.
• You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then realize that you don’t have a water bed.
• Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
• You see the “60 Minutes” News Team waiting in your Office.
• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat.
• You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose.
• Your kid says “Did you know that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?”
• You’re driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
• You wake up too late to catch the van pool – then you realize that you’re driving the van this week.