A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Divorce Cake

There’s a cake for every occasion…..

Joe decides to take his boss Tom to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing well, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well…” Tom explains. “One of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe.

Tom just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. As he was nearing the women, he too stopped short and turned around and returned to Joe with an angry expression on his face.

Joe asked “What’s wrong?”

“It’s a small, small world, Joe.” said Tom “And you’re fired!”

A mathematician, an accountant and a public relations officer all applied for the same job with a large company.

The interviewer called in the mathematician first and asked, “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replied, “Four.”

The interviewer asked, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looked at the interviewer incredulously and said, “Yes, of course: four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The accountant said, “On average, four — give or take 10 percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer called in the public relations officer and again posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The public relations officer got up, locked the door, closed the shade, sat down next to the interviewer and whispered, “What do you want it to equal?”

A small town doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

“George, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, George, how was your day?”

George told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him some aspirin.”

“Great, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him an antacid, sir,” says George.

“Sure, that sounds right. You’re good at this. What about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flash, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She then shouted, ‘Help me! I haven’t seen a man in over two years.’”

“Good grief. What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

A woman goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean, wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a very attractive, tall dark and handsome native, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you!” the native says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he will not tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can’t because you will make fun of my name!” the Islander says.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.

“Fine. My name is Snow” the man replies.

Upon hearing this, the woman bursts into laughter. The native gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”

The lady replied, “No, it’s not what you think. It’s just my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had ten inches of Snow every day while I was in the Caribbean.”

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.

He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different. Someone who could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So, St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

“Ah, Peter, once again you have done an excellent job,” said The Lord.

“Thank you, Great One,” replied St. Peter. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord.”

“You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,” said The Lord.

“The nerve endings,” said St. Peter. “How many will I put in her hands?”

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Two hundred, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Then we shall do the same for this woman,” said The Lord.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Seventy five, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman,” said the Lord.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Four hundred and twenty, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman,” said The Lord.

“Yes, my Lord,” said St. Peter.

“No, wait,” said The Lord. “Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!”

So now you know!