A man walks into a bar and shouts “Who owns the Saint Bernard outside?”

A man replied, “It’s mine. Why?”

The first man says “I’m sorry to have to tell you but my dog just killed it!”

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, “Are you kidding me? My dog is huge! He’s as big as a car! What dog do you have?”

“My dog is a Chihuahua.”

“How can your Chihuahua kill my Saint Bernard?” asked the owner of the Saint Bernard.

“Your dog choked on him.”

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, “I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman.”

The following Rules of Etiquette are particularly useful for inexperienced cats:

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. Also, try to shed.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2am and 4am.