A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. Yes, on an airplane.

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

He hung up.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in! Yes, they walk among us, are in politics, and they continue to breed. Worse than that, people have voted for them.

Some of my favorite George W. Bush Quotes:

“I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
   — Nashville, TN, May 27, 2004

“Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that
the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”
   — Washington, DC, Jan 23, 2004

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
   — Washington, DC, Sep 17, 2004

“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”
   — Washington, DC Jan 14, 2004

“We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental – supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.”
   — Erie, PA, Sep 4, 2004

“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
   — Second Presidential debate, St. Louis, MO, Oct 8, 2004

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
   — Poplar Bluff, MO, Sep 6, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
   — Washington, DC, Aug 5, 2004

If you have more, post a comment!

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in a creek below.

Before his security detail, three kids who were fishing nearby, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”

George said, “No problem. I’ll arrange the trip for your whole family for a week”

The second kid said, “I’d really like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are injured.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

An old man was lying on his death bed.

He was a life-long Democrat and in these last moments of his life, he decided to join the Republican Party.

His friend of many years was surprised and asked him, “But why? You’re a Democrat through and through. How can you change now?”

The old man leaned forward and explained, “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”

A New Zealander was hoping to immigrate to Australia.

Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer who asked him, “What is your business in Australia?”

“I wish to immigrate,” was the Kiwi’s reply.

The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record?”

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

These are handy sentences to know when traveling in Muslim countries:

“AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

“FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

“SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.”
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

“AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

“FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

“KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

“BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!”
Whatever you say!

“MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

“TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.”
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

A smaller crocodile turned to a bigger crocodile and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”

“Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”