One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.

He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different. Someone who could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So, St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

“Ah, Peter, once again you have done an excellent job,” said The Lord.

“Thank you, Great One,” replied St. Peter. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord.”

“You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,” said The Lord.

“The nerve endings,” said St. Peter. “How many will I put in her hands?”

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Two hundred, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Then we shall do the same for this woman,” said The Lord.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Seventy five, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman,” said the Lord.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Four hundred and twenty, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman,” said The Lord.

“Yes, my Lord,” said St. Peter.

“No, wait,” said The Lord. “Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!”

So now you know!

A Priest meets his friend, who is a Rabbi, and says to him, “You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.”

The Rabbi replied, “You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud.”

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “I will agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.”

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, “What is the question?”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

“Very simple,” replied the Priest. “The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi then says, “I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Priest then says to the Rabbi, “This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question.”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

The Priest then says, “Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi says, “You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.”

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, “But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there.”

The Rabbi says, “I told you. You are a Non-Jew. With your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.”

“All right,” groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. “Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.”

The Rabbi then says to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

“That is very simple!” replied the Priest. “If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.”

The Rabbi shakes his head and says to the Priest, “I told you that you would not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out clean?”

A man climbs to the top of mount Everest and gets close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks:

“God, what does a million years mean to you?”

God replies, “A second.”

The man then asks, “What does a million dollars mean to you?”

God replies, “Nothing.”

The man then asks, “Can I have Nothing, then?”

God says, “In a second…”

George was late for an important meeting.

He was driving around in a sweat because he couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my drinking!”

Immediately, a parking place appeared.

George looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Number of the Beast

666 is the Number of the Beast

670 – Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000000 – Number of the High Precision Beast

665.9999954 – Number of the Pentium Beast

0.666 – Number of the Millibeast

/666 – Beast Common Denominator

666 x \| -1 – Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 – Binary Number of the Beast

1-666 – Area code of the Beast

00666 – Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$606.66 – Wal-Mart price of the Beast

$566.66 – Costco/Price Club price of the Beast

Phillips 666 – Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 – Way of the Beast

666 °F – Oven temperature for roast Beast

352.223C – Temperature of the Beast in Celsius

666k – Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg – Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 – Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast

666i – BMW of the Beast

668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

- Number of the Blonde Beast, uh…what was the number again?

Three priests that are friends run into each other during lent.

The first priest mentions that he’s going to give up red meat for lent.

The second priest thinks for a minute and says he’s going to give up sweets for Lent.

The third priest’s attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent.

After regaining control of himself he returns to the conversation and replies, “Celibacy.”

While on vacation in Rome, a man noticed a marble column in St. Peter’s Cathedral with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, the man asked who the telephone was for.

The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. The man was amazed, but he declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, he kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, telephone, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and one could call for a thousand dollars.

A year later, the same man was on vacation in Ireland.

He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door, he noticed a familiar golden telephone on a marble column. Underneath it there was a sign stating: “Direct Line to Heaven: 25 cents.”

“Father,” the man asked the parish priest. “I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”

The priest smiled and said, “You’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”