A blonde woman goes to a psychiatrist to try to work out her relationship problems, complaining of a long string of bad boyfriends.

After a few sessions, the psychiatrist determines the problem.

“You are suffering form what is technically known as an ‘Electra Complex,’” the psychiatrist informs her. “In other words, you are in love with your father.”

The woman breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

“Now, now,” comforts the shrink. “It’s not all that bad.”

“Yes..(snif)…yes, it is,” the blonde gets out between sobs. “I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!”

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store.

The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

The mother smiled and said, “Darling, you know Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe.”

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, “Mom, Barbie always comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken.”

Remember High School? What a difference thirty years can make. Here’s a list of how things have changed since your High School Days:

1980: Long Hair
2010: Longing for hair

1980: The perfect high
2010: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1980: KEG
2010: EKG

1980: Acid Rock
2010: Acid Reflux

1980: Moving to California because it’s cool
2010: Moving to California because it’s warm

1980: Growing pot
2010: Growing pot belly

1980: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
2010: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children

1980: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1980: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1980: Our president’s struggle with Fidel
2010: Our president’s struggle with fidelity

1980: Paar
2010: AARP

1980: Killer weed
2010: Weed killer

1980: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1980: The Grateful Dead
2010: Dr. Kevorkian

1980: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2010: Getting a new hip joint

1980: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney stones

1980: Being called into the principal’s office
2010: Calling the principal’s office

1980: Peace sign
2010: Mercedes logo

1980: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1980: Take acid
2010: Take antacid

1980: Passing the driver’s test
2010: Passing the vision test

1980: “Whatever”
2010: “Depends”

Some observations — and advice — for working in an office:

• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Two friends were hanging out in a Western bar.

One decided to try the Bucking Bronco machine. He managed to hang on for ten minutes.

His buddy was impressed. “Wow!” he exclaimed, “That was sure something!”

“It was easy,” his friend said modestly. “I get lots of practice… My wife’s an epileptic.”

Since it’s Shark Week:

Shark Bait

“Don’t eat the hard bit on it’s back … they make you fart!”

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the County Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started her new job right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee aside and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”