What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

To assist with these questions, we provide here, a formula:

Assign each of the letters of the alphabet the values 1 through 26. So, A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on.

Now, let’s look at those words:

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K, or
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E, or
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E, or
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T, or
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And,

A+S+S+K+I+S+S+I+N+G, or
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the wine to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“I am a woman of very high standards. For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. After composing his reply, he folded it up and handed it to the waiter for delivery to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrera in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.”

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane.

The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about Nuclear power?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a Deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.”

“Great!” says the patient. “But do you know how to cure it?”

“Yes,” explained the doctor. “This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached her climax, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the patient return for his checkup.

“Well, how do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors.

After an hour, the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she comes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”

“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.

“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.

The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ‘Big People Words,’ she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

“I went to visit my Nana.” John replied.

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use Big People words.”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Mitchell said.

She said. “No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use Big People words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

“I read a book” he replied.

“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the SHIT”

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler, who just happened to be named Ole, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has”. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’”

Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face…I had nuttin’ to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.”

So the trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off!”

“Vel not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!”