A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee for breakfast?”

He declines. “Thanks for offering, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

“Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra… I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”

A middle-aged couple, Joanne and Bob, moved to Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife “Notice anything different about me?”

Joanne looked him over. “Nope” was all she said, and went back to what she was doing.

Frustrated, Bob stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new boots.

Again he asked Joanne, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”

Joanne looked up and exclaimed, “Bob, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bob said, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Joanne?”

“Nope”, she replied.

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new Cowboy Boots!”

Without changing her expression, Joanne replied, “You shoulda bought a hat, Bob. You shoulda bought a hat…”

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store.

The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

The mother smiled and said, “Darling, you know Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe.”

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, “Mom, Barbie always comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken.”

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After a few confessions, the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this, and realizes it looks thoughtful…

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’ and ‘how did you feel about that?’”

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit? What happened next?!’”

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

“Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”

“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches.”

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.

For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up.

Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, “Miss, would y’all give me a piece of ass?”

She looked him over, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? It’s pretty slow here right now, so let’s go!”

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Yes,” replied the tourist. “Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon ‘n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink.”