Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied:….

“I think he means her legs, Ethel…”

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly.

“You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.” she exclaimed.

The widow replied, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball.” said the boy.

“That’s nice.”

The boy asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.” the man says.

“My dad’s outside.” the boy said.

“OK, how much?”

“$250.” says the boy.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.” said the boy.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

The boy says, “$750.”

“Sold.” says the man.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy said “A $1,000?”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again. You’re in my closet now.”

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try saying: I think you could use more training.
   Instead of: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2. Try sauing: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
   Instead of: She’s a f___ing bit__.
3. Try saying: Perhaps I can work late.
   Instead of: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4. Try saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible..
   Instead of: No f___ing way.
5. Try saying: Really?
   Instead of: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
6. Try saying: Perhaps you should check with…
   Instead of: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7. Try saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
   Instead of: It’s not my f___ing problem.
8. Try saying: That’s interesting.
   Instead of: What the f___?
9. Try saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
   Instead of: This sh__ won’t work.
10. Try saying: I’ll try to schedule that.
    Instead of: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
11. Try saying: He’s not familiar with the issues…
    Instead of: He’s got his head up his a__.

12. Try saying: Excuse me, sir?
    Instead of: Eat sh__ and die.
13. Try saying: So you weren’t happy with it?
    Instead of: Kiss my a__.
14. Try saying: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
    Instead of: F__ it, I’m on salary.
15. Try saying: I don’t think you understand.
    Instead of: Shove it up your a__.
16. Try saying: I love a challenge.
    Instead of: This f___ing job sucks.
17. Try saying: You want me to take care of that?
    Instead of: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18. Try saying: He’s somewhat insensitive.
    Instead of: He’s a pr_ck.

Basketball

“Why do we always have to play on the team without shirts?”

You know the old saying money talks and B.S. walks? Well, you’ll like this one:

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

“My wife will kill me.” the main complained.

“Take her some candy.” the bartender suggested.

“She is on a diet.” he said.

“Then take her some flowers.” said the bartender.

The main continued complaining, stating “She has allergies.”

“Tell her a poem.” said the bartender.

“She loves poems… But I don’t know any.” said the man.

“Here is one for you. It’s by Shakespeare:”

You Babylonian Witch
Blue Eyes and Ruby lips
Beneath Thine eyes Passion lies
And that’s what maketh my Passion rise.

The man said “I can handle that.”

So, walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

“You better not have been drinking!” his wife shouts through the door.

“Sweetness, I have a poem for you!”

“It had better be good.” said the wife without much hope.

The man starts to recite the poem…

You Babylonian Bitch…
Blue Eyes and Purple Tits.
Between Your Thighs a Pussy Lies
And that’s what makes my Pecker rise.