Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: “Shit happens.”
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Taoism: Shit happens, so flow with it.
Perfectionist: If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Quakerism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really happening to anyone.
Protestantism: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it.
Politics: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Islam: Shit happening is Allah’s Will.
Existentialism: Shit happening is absurd!
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
New Age: A firm shit does not happen to me.
Atheist: I don’t believe this shit.
Voodoo: Shit doesn’t just happen — somebody dumped it on you.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Jehovah’s Witness: There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Greek Philosophic: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Mormon: Hey, there’s more shit over here!
Elitism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you’ll be punished for it.
Unitarianism: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh, shit!
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don’t know where.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit.
Hippieism: If we had some shit, we’d smoke it.
Nixonism: Shit didn’t happen, and if it did I didn’t know anything about it.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it’ll cost you!

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. Fire the cannons.
18. Would you like fries with that?
17. The hotdog rolled out of the bun.
16. Can we get channel 18384005432?
15. The motherload just left the cargo bay.
14. Beam it back in Scotty.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12. Is it housebroken?
11. The pea pea has left the pod pod.
10. Elvis has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me locked himself out.
8. Put your joystick back by the console.
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Should we plug you in?
5. Is it a Democrat or a Republican?
4. Put the pickle back in the jar.
3. It’s dead Jim!
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped:

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” She asked.

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

She is not a BABE or a CHICK.
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY.
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT.
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB.
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND.
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED.
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY.
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY.
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD.
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY.
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU.
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT.
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.

One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. “Are you a real Quaker?” he asked as he was ringing up the merchandise.

“Yes,” the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

“No joke?” asked the clerk, “You’re really a real Quaker?”

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, “Yes, I am a real Quaker.”

“Wow!” the young clerk said, “I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?” asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. “Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?”

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, “Fuck Thee.”

Almost every one of these is going to be offensive to someone. But that’s what makes them funny!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver’s Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” and a southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks.