A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, “We’ve been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship.”

The husband replies, “Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Does he have a different father than the rest?”

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “yes. Yes he did have a different father.”

Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?”

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she said simply, “You.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stop light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh no! Am I driving?”

An 85-year-old man was told he needed a sperm count as part of his physical examn.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the old man returned and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked the old man what happened.

The patient explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with her armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock — no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?”

“No,” replied the 80 year old. “I crap every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women; she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way.”
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
     
    
    And last, but not least ..
     
    

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Regards,
Wal-Mart