A young man with a wild and multi-colored hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench who is reading a newspaper..

The old man looks at the young man and has an obviously surprised expression on his face.

“What are you looking at, old man?” the kid says?

The old man chuckles to himself, shakes his head and goes back to his newspaper.

The kid doesn’t like his response and continues, “Come on old man, what’s your problem? You never done anything crazy in your life?”

The old man replies, “Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son.”

A young boy was looking through the family album.

He came across an old picture of his mother and a man.

Curious, he asked her “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

His mother replied, “That’s your father.”

The boy thought for a moment and asked “Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

A very elderly gentleman walked into a local upscale cocktail lounge that catered to an elderly clientele.

He was well dressed, hair well groomed, and wearing a great-looking suit. He sported a flower in his lapel and smelled slightly of after-shave. He presented a well-looked-after image.

He took a look around, paying close attention to the female patrons of the establishment.

To his delight, seated at the bar, he noticed an attractive elderly lady.

The gentleman walked over and took a seat along side of her. He ordered a drink, took a sip. Then he turned to her and said, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S.O.B.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Her friend inquired, “What’s that?”

“It’s just a condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

“Where did you get it?” the other one asks.

“You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day she goes into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She says, “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

A young man with a wild and multicolored hairstyle sits next to an old man at a bus stop.

The old man stares at the young man, shakes his head and looks away.

“What’s the matter, old man?” says the young man. “Never done anything crazy in your life?”

The old man replies: “Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year….”