Some observations — and advice — for working in an office:

• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Motivation

Motivation: It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.

A Cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going out of town on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized about having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy for using a $250,000 Red Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire from the Texas Oil industry. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 and pay interest on it?”

The Texan replied, “Now, where else in New York City could I park my Red Ferrari for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that… get off the bike.”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day. The guard meets up with him in a Cantina on the Mexican side of the border.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

“Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively. Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

Confident that the advice of his predecessor would get him through this trial as well, the CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

How to Stay Awake in Boring Meetings

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here’s a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) the next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block at random:

- Synergy
- Strategic fit
- Core competencies
- Best practice
- Bottom line
- Revisit
- Expeditious
- To tell you the truth (or The truth is)
- 24/7
- Out of the loop
- Benchmark
- Value-added
- Proactive
- Win-win
- Think outside the box
- Fast track
- Results-driven
- Knowledge base
- At the end of the day
- Touch base
- Mindset
- Client focus(ed)
- Paradigm
- Game plan
- Leverage

3. Now, check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases durring the meeting.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other.

One asked, “So, you’ve got your own company, huh? Wow, I’m impressed.”

The other replied, “Just a small one, nothing that big.”

Disbelieving, the first queried, “Small? How many people work in your company?”

The other sadly answered, “About half of them.”