Some people are so called “dog people” and others are “cat people” — so divided due to their preference for pets.

Ever wonder what it is that makes this distinction? We believe it’s the attitude of the pet.

Here’s a helpful way to look at it:

A dog thinks “hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, comfortable house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!”

A cat thinks “”hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, comfortable house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one.

“Me, too” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.

They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first one.

“Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“O.K.” said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

What is a Cat?

• Cats do whatever they want.
• They rarely listen to you.
• They’re totally unpredictable.
• When you want to play, they want to be alone.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They expect you to cater to their every whim.
• They’re moody.
• They are very picky eaters.
• They leave their hair everywhere.

Conclusion: they’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

• Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but can’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
• They growl when they’re not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to play.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They leave their toys everywhere.
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
• They go right to the crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: they are tiny men in fur coats.

The following Rules of Etiquette are particularly useful for inexperienced cats:

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. Also, try to shed.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2am and 4am.