A mother discovered her young daughter playing doctor with a neighbor boy.

The mother was furious. She grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the boy’s mother said.

“‘Only natural?’ I don’t think you understand what was happening.” the irate mother said.

“What?” the boy’s mother asks. “You said they were playing doctor.”

“He took out her appendix!” yelled the girl’s mother.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

Bill Gates is given credit for this but it actually came from a book called, “Dumbing Down Our Kids” by Charles Sykes.

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

• Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
• Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
• Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a fancy car until you earn both.
• Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss.
• Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it “opportunity.”
• Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
• Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
• Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
• Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you “find yourself.” Do that on your own time.
• Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
• Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Mister Rogers

“You’re special in your very own unique way.” — in other words: “We’re all retarded.”

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner’s Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teen aged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teen aged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teen aged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teen aged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen aged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Having a teen aged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teen aged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Your teen aged daughter requires regular >meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEEN AGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teen aged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teen aged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: “High,” and “Ultra High.” Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teen aged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teen aged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her.

A man went to a lingerie shop and asked for a bra….

“What size, sir?” asked the salesgirl.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what the size is.” The man said. “Please show me a big cup bra.”

The salesgirl thought about it and brought a 36C bra.

“Oh no! this is very small, please show me a bigger one.” the man said.

This time the salesgirl took out a 40D and a 42DD.

“No, this is small… please show me a bigger one.” the man said.

An idea flashed in the mind of the salesgirl. “Sir, something like the size of melons?”

The man said, “Well I cannot compare it with melons or water melons.”

The shop’s biggest available size 50DD was shown.

The man just saw the cups and said. “Please a bit larger than that.”

Now the girl had a big huge lady in her mind and very politely asked the man, “Sir, you wife must be very heavy.”

“No, that’s not the case; she is very skinny — as thin as a reed.” the man said.

“Your big girlfriend, then?” chuckled the salesgirl.

“No, I do not have a girlfriend.” the man said, somewhat annoyed at the assumption.

“Can I ask a very personal question sir?” inquired the salesgirl.

“Please…” said the man.

“For whom are you buying the bra?” she asked.

“Well, I really am not interested in the bra. I’m only interested in the bra cups.” the man replied.

“Bra cups?” said the confused salesgirl.

“Actually you know that winter is approaching and I have six small kids. I cannot afford much, so I thought I’ll buy big bras to make caps for my six children.”

A woman got onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman gives him a nasty look then goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You shouldn’t let him get away with that.”

She nodded her head in response.

“You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”