A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ‘Big People Words,’ she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

“I went to visit my Nana.” John replied.

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use Big People words.”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Mitchell said.

She said. “No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use Big People words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

“I read a book” he replied.

“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the SHIT”

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had be knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on counter, the fridge door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today??”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes…” he replied cautiously.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”

The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone?”

“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church, but only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?”

“Sure,” said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, “You are now baptized!”

“When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do You think We are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on You.”

“We’re not Babtiss, because they dunk all of You in the water.”

“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on You.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”

They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do You think that means?”

“I think it means we’re Pisscopailians.”

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, “Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?”

“How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.

“Forty.” she replies.

“Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.”

The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”

“Well, dear, how old is your sister?”

The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”

“Oh, yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”

The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”

“How old are you, dear?”

The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.”

“No, dear, you can’t get pregnant…”

Then, a little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me and I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, sat and patiently waited. So I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard. Once again, he walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar. It read: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap. He had a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with six children, two of them under the age of 3. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”