Last night, my friend and I were watching the news. There was a story about a woman who was in the hospital on life support.
After the story, I thought for a moment and said to my friend:
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So my friend got up, unplugged my computer and took my wine.
She’s such a bitch…
Q. How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q. How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”
Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q. How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…
Q. How many Microsoft MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many Microsoft Word support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
Q. How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just document that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problems.
Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but she/he’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers
( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always, “Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn’t they?” I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: “A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device.” Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF … THEN … ELSE structure: “If it’s snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes.”
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: “We’ll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we’ll wash these socks out right now by hand because you’ll need them this afternoon.”
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a pot-holder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signals to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering (Last In – First Out). In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn’t be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who’s ever misbehaved at a neighbor’s house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That’s a local area network of distributed processors that can’t be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
What would a tech support call for an Etch-A-Sketch sound like?
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
