Last night, my friend and I were watching the news. There was a story about a woman who was in the hospital on life support.
After the story, I thought for a moment and said to my friend:
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So my friend got up, unplugged my computer and took my wine.
She’s such a bitch…
A blonde woman goes to a psychiatrist to try to work out her relationship problems, complaining of a long string of bad boyfriends.
After a few sessions, the psychiatrist determines the problem.
“You are suffering form what is technically known as an ‘Electra Complex,’” the psychiatrist informs her. “In other words, you are in love with your father.”
The woman breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
“Now, now,” comforts the shrink. “It’s not all that bad.”
“Yes..(snif)…yes, it is,” the blonde gets out between sobs. “I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!”
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic doesn’t work any more. Here, eat this root.
A small town doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
“George, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, George, how was your day?”
George told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him some aspirin.”
“Great, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him an antacid, sir,” says George.
“Sure, that sounds right. You’re good at this. What about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flash, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She then shouted, ‘Help me! I haven’t seen a man in over two years.’”
“Good grief. What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes!!”
A mother discovered her young daughter playing doctor with a neighbor boy.
The mother was furious. She grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the boy’s mother said.
“‘Only natural?’ I don’t think you understand what was happening.” the irate mother said.
“What?” the boy’s mother asks. “You said they were playing doctor.”
“He took out her appendix!” yelled the girl’s mother.
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
“Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches.”
Smoking
When cancer can sometimes be the cure, and not the problem.
