A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It reads, “I can’t talk! Help me!”

The doctor picks up a book and starts to look something up. As he does so, he instructs the man to put his thumb on the table.

The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk. But he figures that the doctor is the expert so he does as instructed.

Suddenly, the doctor takes the book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.

“Aaahhh!!” the man yelled in pain.

“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the ‘B’.”

A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place for a little late night fun.

When they get to her home, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl, watching this, says “You must be a dentist.”

The guy is surprised and says, “Yes … How did you figure that out?”

“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it’s over the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with an inflated ego says, “Sure I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

The girl replies, “I didn’t feel a thing.”

A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. Satisfied with what he saw he stated, “You’ll be fine.”

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I? That’s what you said…”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Her friend inquired, “What’s that?”

“It’s just a condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

“Where did you get it?” the other one asks.

“You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day she goes into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She says, “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year….”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Snack:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

An 85-year-old man was told he needed a sperm count as part of his physical examn.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the old man returned and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked the old man what happened.

The patient explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with her armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”