Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Her friend inquired, “What’s that?”

“It’s just a condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

“Where did you get it?” the other one asks.

“You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day she goes into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

She says, “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year….”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Snack:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

An 85-year-old man was told he needed a sperm count as part of his physical examn.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the old man returned and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked the old man what happened.

The patient explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with her armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the surgery, I want you to take care of it and me patients.”

“Yes sir,” answers Seamus.

The doctor returns the following day and asks, “So Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus tells him he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo Seamus, and the second one?” said the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning so I gve him Maalox.”

“Bravo, again, you’re good at this, and the third one?”

“Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink, she undresses herself until she hasn’t a stitch on and lies on the table, she then shouts ‘Help me, it’s five years since I’ve seen a man.’”

“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asked the doctor.

“I gave her some eye drops.”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.”

“Great!” says the patient. “But do you know how to cure it?”

“Yes,” explained the doctor. “This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached her climax, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the patient return for his checkup.

“Well, how do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors.

After an hour, the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she comes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”

“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.

“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.

The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”