There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing.

Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, we tried and tried and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A patient was found wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

“I’m getting out of here. I’m not about to have my operation in this hospital.”

Somewhat shocked, the nurse asked him what happened.

The man replied, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation. Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be alright.’”

“Yes, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me.” The patient explained. “She was talking to the doctor.”

A woman, calling a Hospital, said, “Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better.”

The voice on the other end of the line said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

She said, “Sure, she’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

The receptionist said, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.”

The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! Oh! That’s fantastic! That’s great news!”

The man on the phone said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!”

She said, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me a word!”

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I am so ashamed, Doctor,” she said. “I guess I let myself go.”

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”

“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course… Now just open your mouth and say ‘moo’.”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and says. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to his friend behind him, “My elbow has been killing me. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

His friend replies, “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, There’s a diagnostic computer at the local clinic. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, somewhat skeptical, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the machine.

He deposits his $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout. It says: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to the clinic, eager to check the results. Once gain, he deposits $10 and pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. With twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed with severe chest pain.

Thinking she might be having a heart attack, she said “Please dear, I need help. Go call a doctor.”

The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, laying on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.”

“The second hole? When is he coming?”

“Hey! I told ya not to worry. He’ll be here soon.” he said, practice stroking his putt… “Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”