I was watching a National Dog Show event on television recently.

The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs.

The judge was brushing back the dog’s hair so she could look at the animal’s eyes.

The TV announcer explained that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they’re the right shape, color, etc.

Another announcer chimed in with, “Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog has both of its eyes. ‘Cuz if you start combing through all that hair and you only see one eye… then you’re looking at the wrong end of the dog.”

Here are a few peeves that dogs have about humans … from the dog’s point of view.

1. Blaming your farts on me….not funny. Not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I’m a freakin’ dog, you idiot. And if you want quiet, stop making noise yourself.
3. Taking me for a walk and not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Just stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! Now really, can you blame me?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur? Don’t be ridiculous.
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous. Admit it.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

Some people are so called “dog people” and others are “cat people” — so divided due to their preference for pets.

Ever wonder what it is that makes this distinction? We believe it’s the attitude of the pet.

Here’s a helpful way to look at it:

A dog thinks “hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, comfortable house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!”

A cat thinks “”hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, comfortable house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

It’s a beautiful spring day in downtown Raleigh, N.C.

In the park near the capitol. Folks are picnicking and children are playing.

Suddenly, a pit bull attacks a 3-year-old child, and everyone is paralyzed in shock.

The child is screaming, the dog is snarling and biting. A man steps forward, separates the child and the animal, and snaps the dog’s neck.

Everyone exhales in relief, and a young woman runs over to the man.

“Mister,” she says, “That was incredible. I’m a reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer, and this is going to be on the front page of tomorrow’s edition. I can see the headline now—Raleigh Man Saves Tot!”

And he says, “Well, actually, I’m not originally from Raleigh.”

And she says, “I can see the headline now—North Carolina Man Stops Attack!”

And he says, “Well, to tell the truth, I’m not originally from North Carolina.”

She asks, “Where are you from?”

“New York,” he replies.

And she says, “I can see the headline now—Yankee Bastard Slays Family Pet!”

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.

Out of the corner of his eye he notices a large dog who appears to be emptying wastebaskets at the office.

The salesman stared at the animal for a while, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and, noticing the salesman staring at him said, “My friend, don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Amazing!” exclaimed the man. “I simply can’t believe it. Does your boss realize what a prize he has in you? An animal…that can talk!”

“No, no, no!!” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man discovers I can talk, he’ll be making me answer the phones as well.”

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man, very impressed with the dog’s talents.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

“That’s marvelous, I’ve never seen anything like it!” says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What the heck is going on?”

The handler replies, “He’s just found a bomb!”

An elderly lady called her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called.

She went on to state that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the the woman’s home, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.