The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to “mark” every web site they visit.
16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question.
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
   
   and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…
   
   

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

A man walks into a bar and shouts “Who owns the Saint Bernard outside?”

A man replied, “It’s mine. Why?”

The first man says “I’m sorry to have to tell you but my dog just killed it!”

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, “Are you kidding me? My dog is huge! He’s as big as a car! What dog do you have?”

“My dog is a Chihuahua.”

“How can your Chihuahua kill my Saint Bernard?” asked the owner of the Saint Bernard.

“Your dog choked on him.”

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.”

To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, “I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman.”

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “But you don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up Friday.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, “T-square, do your stuff!”. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Debit, do your stuff!”. Debit went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff!”. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

What is a Cat?

• Cats do whatever they want.
• They rarely listen to you.
• They’re totally unpredictable.
• When you want to play, they want to be alone.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They expect you to cater to their every whim.
• They’re moody.
• They are very picky eaters.
• They leave their hair everywhere.

Conclusion: they’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

• Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but can’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
• They growl when they’re not happy.
• When you want to play, they want to play.
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
• They leave their toys everywhere.
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
• They go right to the crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: they are tiny men in fur coats.