Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

“My wife is mad at me again,” says the first.

“Why?” asked the second.

“I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me.”

“What’d you do?” asked the other man.

“I asked her for her phone number.”

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

“My wife will kill me.” the main complained.

“Take her some candy.” the bartender suggested.

“She is on a diet.” he said.

“Then take her some flowers.” said the bartender.

The main continued complaining, stating “She has allergies.”

“Tell her a poem.” said the bartender.

“She loves poems… But I don’t know any.” said the man.

“Here is one for you. It’s by Shakespeare:”

You Babylonian Witch
Blue Eyes and Ruby lips
Beneath Thine eyes Passion lies
And that’s what maketh my Passion rise.

The man said “I can handle that.”

So, walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

“You better not have been drinking!” his wife shouts through the door.

“Sweetness, I have a poem for you!”

“It had better be good.” said the wife without much hope.

The man starts to recite the poem…

You Babylonian Bitch…
Blue Eyes and Purple Tits.
Between Your Thighs a Pussy Lies
And that’s what makes my Pecker rise.

Two guys are sitting next to each other on bar stools talking over a couple of beers.

After a while, their conversation starts to get heated and they’re raising their voices.

This goes on for a bit when one starts to insult the other. He screams, “Oh yeah… I slept with your mother!”

The bar goes quiet as everyone watches to see what the other guy will do in response.

The other man slowly shakes his head and says, “Go home Dad. You’re drunk.”

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10. “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. You can focus better with one eye closed.
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows installed on your machine. It’s enough to drive you to drink.
15. If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. The President starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
32. Barney…that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
35. “Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
36. waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. “No ocifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…”
38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down….No Problem.
39. If you’re on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. “Take me drunk, I’m home!”
41. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Rosie O’Donnell looks good.
45. Don’t recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
49. The Whisky Ain’t Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. “I’m as jober as a sudge!”
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tijuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
57. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
58. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
59. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
60. You’ve fallen and you can’t/(don’t want to) get up.
61. You don’t drink. (That’s a problem!)
62. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
63. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
64. The shrubbery’s drunk from frequent watering.
65. Do you (your name here) take this woman….
66. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
67. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you’re pestering people to buy incense and crap.
68. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
69. Double vision so much the norm, you can’t function without it.
70. When your listening to the radio and you start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
71. Because you’re not as think you are drunk I am…
72. Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates … and yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
73. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
74. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! – I don’t have a prinking droblem!
75. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
76. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
77. You like SPAM.
78. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
79. You haven’t stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
80. “I don’t have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. (hic) Pash me another, tarbender.”
81. You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.