Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stop light was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh no! Am I driving?”

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It was a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.

“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered.

“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.

“This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

A man in his 40s bought a new sports car and was out driving it at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch this car,” he thought to himself and sped up even more.

Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The traffic cop came up to him, took his driving license without a word, and examined it and the car.

The officer said, “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and I don’t feel like doing more paperwork. So if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
18. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut for you.
13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary, you know.
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.

“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

The officer, wanting to be sure, said “Please step out of the car and show me.”

The driver got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more. Finally, he had seven machetes in the air, juggling them overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Pretty soon another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they’re giving now.”