The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
18. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut for you.
13. You’re not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary, you know.
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead they are.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.

“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

The officer, wanting to be sure, said “Please step out of the car and show me.”

The driver got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more. Finally, he had seven machetes in the air, juggling them overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Pretty soon another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they’re giving now.”

Here’s a quick and easy guide if you want to know where someone is from just by their driving habits:

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
• One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
• One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS
• Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above dashboard, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA