A Zen Master goes up to a hot dog cart and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill into his cash box and closes it.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says “OK,” and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy and he’s still driving around with the truck full of penguins. But now, all the penguins are wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

The guy replies, “I did. We had so much fun, today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Any time you feel dumb, don’t worry.

Check out the following excerpts from a “Wall Street Journal” article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the many calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. A technical support rep had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickins.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickins there are in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of ‘em if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

Two Morons went to the desert for a vacation.

They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back — but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”

They replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away.”

We all fail sometimes. But there’s something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless – and inventive – of students.

Classical Studies
Question: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

Biology
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

Classical Studies
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

Biology
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

Biology
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

Religious Studies
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

Physics
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

Geography
Question: What does the term “lava” mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

Geography
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

Geography
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

History
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.