It was with much dismay that Rachael discovered her husband Harold had a mistress.

Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose, rather she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn’t.

After a long interrogation Harold finally relented.

“Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don’t do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling.”

“Is that all?” thought Rachael. “Is that all there is to it?”

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Harold a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed.

Half way through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.

“Oh Harold, darling,” she began, “I’ve had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit and you don’t give me enough housekeeping money…”

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the County Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started her new job right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee aside and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”

Biggest Idiot Ever

“I’m the Biggest Idiot Ever” … funny hand-made sign used at a hockey game.

How to Misuse Figures of Speech

• Company manager mulling over his next strategic move: “Argh! This is a no-win-win situation!”
• Man to his new wife: “Don’t worry honey, we’ll just burn the bridge when we get there.”
• Lawyer to the jury: “Ladies and gentlemen, this contract is annulled and void.”
• The same lawyer, on a different case: “Your honor, this exercise is mute and academic…”
• Man to his friend, “Don’t worry too much about it, if worse comes to shove, just leave it!”
• Girl to boyfriend: “Oh? Are you joking my leg?”
• Exclamation: “Oh my God! It’s a blessing in the sky.”
• Randy: “Dawg, you’re barking at the wrong dog.”
• Simon: “You want to have your cake and bake it too… well it ain’t happenin’.”
• “Now and there…”
• “I’m only human nature…sob!”
• “The sky’s the langit.” (For non Filipinos, “langit” means… well… “sky”.)
• When the boss asked how a project is progressing, an employee answers: “Sir, so far, so good…so far.” The boss responded, “Well, hurry up! Time is of the elements.”
• Describing a shooting star: “Then it was gone in the wink of an eye!”
• “The feeling is actual.”
• “For all intense and purposes.”
• Explaining: “It’s a base-to-base casis…”
• “Can’t you just cut me some slacks?!”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint, ladders and other equipment she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

A customer left his cell phone in a store.

The manager wanted to attempt to return the phone to its owner, so he scrolled through his saved numbers and found one labeled “Mom.”

Thinking this would be a good way to get in touch, he pushed send.

The store patron’s mother answered, and the manager told her what happened.

The mother seemed thankful and said “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” and they finished the call.

Less than a minute later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Martin,” she said, not allowing the manager to identify himself yet. “You left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

How NOT to Use a Rifle

Let’s hope this guy isn’t on our side.