As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT – Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.

PILOT – Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!

PILOT – Right, Shamus, when I say ‘go’ put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat!!

PILOT – An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat, too!!

PILOT – An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!

CO-PILOT – I’m prayin already, but I’ll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few meters from the end of the runway!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, “Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!”

Shamus replied, “Aye, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?”

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me. I know all of them.”

A friend says, “okay, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. ‘W.’”

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. Yes, on an airplane.

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

He hung up.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in! Yes, they walk among us, are in politics, and they continue to breed. Worse than that, people have voted for them.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.

“I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am.” Signed, “The Blonde.”

She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note: “Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

Some of my favorite George W. Bush Quotes:

“I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
   — Nashville, TN, May 27, 2004

“Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that
the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”
   — Washington, DC, Jan 23, 2004

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
   — Washington, DC, Sep 17, 2004

“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”
   — Washington, DC Jan 14, 2004

“We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental – supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.”
   — Erie, PA, Sep 4, 2004

“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
   — Second Presidential debate, St. Louis, MO, Oct 8, 2004

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
   — Poplar Bluff, MO, Sep 6, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
   — Washington, DC, Aug 5, 2004

If you have more, post a comment!

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, “Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt?”

The cowboy says, “It’s ’cause I got chapped lips.”

Confused, the bartender asks, “Does manure help them heal?”

Cowboy replies, “No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.

It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing about 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour. It scattered white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

A lady then exclaimed, “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”