Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickins.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickins there are in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of ‘em if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

Two Morons went to the desert for a vacation.

They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back — but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”

They replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away.”

We all fail sometimes. But there’s something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless – and inventive – of students.

Classical Studies
Question: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

Biology
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

Classical Studies
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

Biology
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

Biology
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

Religious Studies
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

Physics
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

Geography
Question: What does the term “lava” mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

Geography
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

Geography
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

History
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

The frantic caller say “Okay, hold on….” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says “OK, now what?“

Your Annual Intelligence Test

It’s that time of year to take our annual intelligence test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Contend yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said “water”, proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass If you said “green bricks,” why the hell are you still reading these? If you said “glass,” go on to Question 4.

4. It’s thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) During the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man’s land”?

Answer: You don’t bury survivors. If you said anything else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, “You don’t bury survivors,” proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, seventeen people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, eleven people get off and sixteen people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was you!

6. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second! Try not to screw up next time.

7. If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last Person? You’re not very good at this, are you?

8. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator. Today is definitely not your day, is it?

9. Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn’t. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

10. A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. It’s really very simple. Like you!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

95% of people fail most of the questions!

I ran into a coworker yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

“I’m much better, thanks. You know, it was actually a wonderful experience.” he replied.

“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.

“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. Whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”