Since it’s Shark Week:

Shark Bait

“Don’t eat the hard bit on it’s back … they make you fart!”

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas.

While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy saunters in and heads for the closest stool at the counter.

As he lifts his leg over the stool, he lets loose one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.

The tourist jumps up and yells, “Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!”

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, “I’m awful sorry ma’am… I didn’t know we was a takin’ turns.”

A funny advertisement for “Toot Tone”.

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you have to fart.

The music is really loud, so you figure what the heck and you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are staring at you, and that’s when you remember: you were listening to your iPod.

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, “Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle.” She found the fortune amusing, since she didn’t play the fiddle, But it did have her age correct.

About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn’t.

She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis.” She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn’t know.

She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that read: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex.” She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been sexless for almost a year.

She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked and she almost melted. The chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were right for each other and that they were soul mates. They held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.

The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You’ve Fiddled, You’ve Farted, You’ve Screwed around, and now you’ve missed your bus.”

An English businesswomen explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on trams — it was impossible to control.

“But at least I’m fortunate in two respects,” she told her doctor. “They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you’ll be surprised to know I’ve let two go since I’ve been talking to you.”

The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.

“What’s this?” she queried, reading the prescription. “Nasal drops?”

“Yes,” replied the doctor. “First we’ll fix your nose, then we’ll have a go at your hearing”