A small town doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

“George, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, George, how was your day?”

George told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him some aspirin.”

“Great, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him an antacid, sir,” says George.

“Sure, that sounds right. You’re good at this. What about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flash, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She then shouted, ‘Help me! I haven’t seen a man in over two years.’”

“Good grief. What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

A store in a shopping-mall hired a new salesman. From the time he was hired, the store’s sales increased four fold.

The store manager was curious to meet this new salesman. The manager went to the mall to observe him. He saw the guy selling a fishing rod to a customer.

He kept some distance and started to observe the salesman selling the product to the customer. The salesman sold the fishing rod to the customer. Customer asked for the price and the salesman said it was $80.

After selling the rod, the salesman looked at the shoes of the customer and said, “Are you going fishing wearing these expensive shoes of yours? You should buy some sports shoes.” The customer agreed to buy the shoes as well.

Then the salesman said, “You have to sit by the lake under the sun so why don’t you get a cap, too.” So the customer bought a cap as well.

Now the salesman told the customer, “Why don’t you get yourself something to eat while you are out catching the fish.” So the customer got some drinks, crackers and other snacks.

Then the salesman suggested to buy a basket to put the prized fish he is going to catch. “This is a good basket for just $120.” The customer bought that as well.

By the time he was finished, the customer’s bill was over $2,000.

The Manager, on seeing all this was very impressed by this new salesman. After the customer left the store, he went to speak with him. “You are very intelligent salesman. You sold so many items to that customer who came here just to buy a fishing rod.”

To which the salesman replied, “Sir, that customer came to buy some tampons for his wife. I asked him ‘What will you do for four days sitting at home?’ Then I suggested to him that he go fishing.”

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they had any news.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000…please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap!”

A parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it, of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You mother fuckers are my kind of people!”

Scott is an insurance broker in Florida. He loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat so he can conduct business while out on the water.

One morning, he was drifting about ten miles offshore with his friends. As usual, Scott was discussing business on the phone.

Suddenly, his rod bent over and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott, always the master of the situation, calmly said “Pardon me,” to his customer. “I have a call on another line.”