“Get this.” said a man to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.” he said.
“How did that happen?!” his friends asked.
“The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously downing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,
“Not anymore! … He is!”
Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other.
One asked, “So, you’ve got your own company, huh? Wow, I’m impressed.”
The other replied, “Just a small one, nothing that big.”
Disbelieving, the first queried, “Small? How many people work in your company?”
The other sadly answered, “About half of them.”
When you are sad…
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum
sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are scared…
I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried…
I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused…
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are lost…
I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.
When you are sick…
I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god, and
hand you a paper towel to wipe your mouth.
When you fall…
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath…
I pledge ’till the end. Why? Because you are my friend.
