Your Life is Empty

This is what you get when you can name things whatever you like: some very humorous warning messages.

Q. How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q. How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

Q. How many Microsoft MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many Microsoft Word support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q. How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just document that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problems.

Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but she/he’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

If you’re looking to romance a graphic designer, we can help.

Here are some ice-breakers guaranteed to help you find someone to love, to hold and to go halfers on a new copy of Photoshop with you.

1. I wish I had an Eyedropper to capture the color of your eyes.
2. Has anybody ever told you that your teeth have perfect kerning?
3. If you were a logo, it would be for a really premium brand.
4. I’m just like a global nav; I love to be on top.
5. Come back to my place and I’ll show you a really naughty way to fill up some negative space.
6. Would you like to lorem ipsum dolor sit on my lap?
7. If I went to a stock photography site and typed in the keyword: “sexy”, I bet there’d be a picture of you.
8. I couldn’t help but notice your eye path went right to my smudge stick.
9. If I hit Shift + [ will it increase the hardness of your brush?
10. Just looking at you from across the bar, I could tell you display high Brightness and Vibrance, and have multiple Layers.
11. You look perfectly put together. Do you display this well in IE?
12. I like my fonts sans-serif, and you sans-pants.
13. If you bring the tool, I’ll bring the color palette.
14. I dig your look and feel.
15. If you like what you see now, wait’ll you look below the fold.
16. Let’s “Skip Intro” and just go find a hotel room right now.
17. When I serve you breakfast in bed tomorrow, would you like your coffee with cream and sugar, or do you prefer it #000?
18. Do you want to touch my Bézier curves?
19. What if I told you the fly on my legs opens quicker than a 500kb JPEG file?
20. Mind if I take you for a usability test?

In an effort to better explain women, we’ve done some math on the topic and we’d like to share what we’ve discovered:

1. To find a woman, you need Time and Money. Therefore:

Woman = Time x Money

2. You know the saying “Time is Money,” so:

Time = Money

3. Therefore: Woman = Money x Money, or:

Woman = (Money)²

4. You’ve also heard that “Money is the Root of All Problems.”

Money = \Problems

5. Therefore,

Woman = (\Problems)²

6. Removing the exponents, you arrive at:

Woman = Problems

I hope that helps.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said:

“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break.

While discussing the problems they’re experiencing on their current project, they come upon an old brass lamp. One of them picks it up and dusts it off. Poof – out pops a genie.

“Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you.”

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.”

“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.”

“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and without hesitation tells the Genie, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”