Posts Tagged ‘golf’


Mar
1
2010

Stranded Irishman

Posted by: Jester

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!”, shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Jan
17
2010

The Dead Parrot

Posted by: Jester

At dawn the telephone rings:

“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane?? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Rod, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tailor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . .

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!”

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Nov
28
2009

Golfers and Skydivers

Posted by: Jester

Golfer vs. Skydiver

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes “WHACK, dammit!”

A bad skydiver goes “Dammit, WHACK!”

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Nov
3
2009

Golfing Emergency

Posted by: Jester

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed with severe chest pain.

Thinking she might be having a heart attack, she said “Please dear, I need help. Go call a doctor.”

The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, laying on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.”

“The second hole? When is he coming?”

“Hey! I told ya not to worry. He’ll be here soon.” he said, practice stroking his putt… “Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Oct
5
2009

Doctor’s Orders

Posted by: Jester

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and that she should engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, “Please tell my husband.”

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 80-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”

The doctor answered, “Monday, Wednesday and Friday would be ideal.”

The husband said, “I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I golf, so she’ll have to take the bus.”

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Sep
22
2009

Actual Calls Received at the Public Golf Course

Posted by: Jester

Staff: Golf course , may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course , may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it…..

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post

Sep
5
2009

Wash Balls

Posted by: Jester

This one is for the golf enthusiasts among us.

Wash Balls Here

Wash Balls Here

Share with Delicious Share with Digg Share with Facebook Share with LinkedIn Share with MySpace Share with reddit Share with StumbleUpon Share with Twitter

0 votes Please Vote!

Email This Post Email This Post



Squanderprint -- n. Directions that try to make you use up a product faster than you normally would. (Example: Apply Shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)
Subscribe
Subscribe and get jokes in your inbox.


Search for Jokes
Sponsored Links


Categories
Archives
Follow Us on Twitter