Three priests that are friends run into each other during lent.

The first priest mentions that he’s going to give up red meat for lent.

The second priest thinks for a minute and says he’s going to give up sweets for Lent.

The third priest’s attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent.

After regaining control of himself he returns to the conversation and replies, “Celibacy.”

A Zen Master goes up to a hot dog cart and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill into his cash box and closes it.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Snack:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, “We’ve been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship.”

The husband replies, “Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Does he have a different father than the rest?”

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “yes. Yes he did have a different father.”

Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?”

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she said simply, “You.”

Cracking the Human Resources code.

The real meaning of those phrases in a job listing:

• Competitive Salaray
  Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.
• Join Our Fast-Paced Company
  We have no time to train you.
• Casual Work Atmosphere
  You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.
• Must be Deadline-Oriented
  Your first four projects are already way overdue.
• Some Overtime Required
  Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
• Duties Will Vary
  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Must Have and Eye for Detail
  We have no quality control.
• Career-Minded
  Female applicants must be childless.
• Apply in Person
  If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
• No Phone calls Please
  This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.
• Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience
  Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.
• Problem-Solving Skills a Must
  This company is a total mess.
• Requires Team Leadership Skills
  You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
• Good Communication Skills
  Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

Men are not so complicated. Just look at the facts outlined below:

• The nice men are ugly.
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
• The handsome men without money are after women’s money.
• The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think women are beautiful enough.
• The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are actually heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in when a woman takes the initiative.

Now … who in the world understands men?

Nothing has ever failed quite as hard as you just did.