A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee for breakfast?”

He declines. “Thanks for offering, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. “A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

“Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra… I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”

It was with much dismay that Rachael discovered her husband Harold had a mistress.

Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose, rather she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn’t.

After a long interrogation Harold finally relented.

“Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don’t do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling.”

“Is that all?” thought Rachael. “Is that all there is to it?”

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Harold a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed.

Half way through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.

“Oh Harold, darling,” she began, “I’ve had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit and you don’t give me enough housekeeping money…”

“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

“No, thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

“Anything for your wife?” he asked.

“Yeah! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please send up a postcard.”

Bob, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump..”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Last night, my friend and I were watching the news. There was a story about a woman who was in the hospital on life support.

After the story, I thought for a moment and said to my friend:

“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

So my friend got up, unplugged my computer and took my wine.

She’s such a bitch…

A middle-aged couple, Joanne and Bob, moved to Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife “Notice anything different about me?”

Joanne looked him over. “Nope” was all she said, and went back to what she was doing.

Frustrated, Bob stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new boots.

Again he asked Joanne, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?”

Joanne looked up and exclaimed, “Bob, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bob said, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Joanne?”

“Nope”, she replied.

“It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my new Cowboy Boots!”

Without changing her expression, Joanne replied, “You shoulda bought a hat, Bob. You shoulda bought a hat…”

A blonde woman goes to a psychiatrist to try to work out her relationship problems, complaining of a long string of bad boyfriends.

After a few sessions, the psychiatrist determines the problem.

“You are suffering form what is technically known as an ‘Electra Complex,’” the psychiatrist informs her. “In other words, you are in love with your father.”

The woman breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

“Now, now,” comforts the shrink. “It’s not all that bad.”

“Yes..(snif)…yes, it is,” the blonde gets out between sobs. “I have no chance at all…he’s a married man!”