It’s a beautiful spring day in downtown Raleigh, N.C.

In the park near the capitol. Folks are picnicking and children are playing.

Suddenly, a pit bull attacks a 3-year-old child, and everyone is paralyzed in shock.

The child is screaming, the dog is snarling and biting. A man steps forward, separates the child and the animal, and snaps the dog’s neck.

Everyone exhales in relief, and a young woman runs over to the man.

“Mister,” she says, “That was incredible. I’m a reporter for the Raleigh News and Observer, and this is going to be on the front page of tomorrow’s edition. I can see the headline now—Raleigh Man Saves Tot!”

And he says, “Well, actually, I’m not originally from Raleigh.”

And she says, “I can see the headline now—North Carolina Man Stops Attack!”

And he says, “Well, to tell the truth, I’m not originally from North Carolina.”

She asks, “Where are you from?”

“New York,” he replies.

And she says, “I can see the headline now—Yankee Bastard Slays Family Pet!”

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

“What’s the matter, son?” asked his mother.

The boy replies, “It’s my grades… They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean ‘all wet?’” his mother asks.

“I mean,” he explains, “below C-level.”

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in a creek below.

Before his security detail, three kids who were fishing nearby, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”

George said, “No problem. I’ll arrange the trip for your whole family for a week”

The second kid said, “I’d really like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are injured.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

A little boy was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

The little boy just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds!”

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane.

The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about Nuclear power?” and he smiles.

“OK,” she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a Deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

• The future of “I give” is “I take.”
• The parts of speech are lungs and air.
• The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
• A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
• (Define H₂O and CO₂.) H₂O is hot water and CO₂ is cold water.
• A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
• The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
• A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
• We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
• One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
• To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
• The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
• The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
• In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
• In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
• A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.